"Do You Know Yao Ming?"

I have several instant message accounts with Yahoo, MSN, and AIM, but I rarely use them. The only reason I have them is when I signed up for their free email accounts, all these IM extras are assigned to me automatically. I usually just let them run in the background via Trillian.

But today I had an interesting chat with a young lady from Florida; it is kind of humorous, perhaps some standup comedian out there can use our conversation into his routine.


Her: “I would like a photo of you.”
Me: “Oh? Why? Are you purposing to me?”
Her: “I’m curious and I’ve never been denied before and people are all too eager to display themselves, and no.”
Me: “That is too bad. I don't understand why people would love to be in the spot light, or showing themselves. I have rarely taken photos of myself.”
Her: “Are you Chinese?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “Are you a Chinese MAN of 20-something age?”
Me: “Yes.”
Her: “I knew it.”
Me: “Why?”
Her: “It was easy to infer from your blog.”
Me: “Ok.”
Her: “Plus, I don't know anything about you, but you remind me of this other guy I know who fits the same description.”
Me: “What about yourself?”
Her: “21 F Floridian!!!”
Me: “Good lord, there is another 'me' out there?!”
Her: “But in college in MA!!!”
Me: “Sweet.”
Her: “There are probably lots of you.”
Me: “There is a cult of my clones, didn't you know?”
Her: “I had no idea, what about that photo of you?”
Me: “I tell you what, I am a reasonable person, how about we do an exchange, you send me a photo of you and I will reply with mine, just like kindergarten.”
Her: “You can go first.”
Me: “But you asked first, therefore I would insist you go first while I go scramble for some hot Asian male model's photo off the internet, so you will not be too disappointed.”
Her: “I’ll be able to tell if you do that because I know what they all look like since I spend most of my WAKING HOURS looking at MEN on the INTERNET.”
Me: “You too?! Wow, we got something in common there.”
Her: “I go to a women's college, are you G-A-Y?”
Me: “That was sarcasm.”
Her: “There are more gays out there than you bargained for.”
Me: “Good lord... That would be last time I will use sarcasm via IM.”
Her: “Well I take everything very literally and subtlety is lost on me.”
Me: “Oh my... and your genetic background?”
Her: “I’m white, is that what you were asking? Lol”
Me: “I usually don't like the word 'ethnicity', because it gets confusing…”
Her: “Yes it does. I’m Scandinavian/German/Irish or something.”
Me: “Sweet, they do have good food, except Irish and Scandinavian, well the Irish got corned beef and cabbage, and the Scands have cod. Not bad. Are you good cook? I am looking for a good cook. Actually what I am really looking for is a sugar mama to pay off my school loans.”
Her: “I have to say I’m mediocre but my parents do a good job at cooking. Oh where are you in school? Are you younger than me? Are you in COLLEGE or GRAD school?”
Me: “What makes you so interested in me?”
Her: “When did I say I was interested in you? Well I think I get your meaning anyway. I don’t know, I just found your site interesting, and you seemed to have that aloof quality which I find sometimes charming, only in men. You’re not the first person I’ve messaged out of the blue... and YOU WON'T BE THE LAST! OOOOOOOOO”
Me: “Ah ha! I love a woman that is willing to confess. I feel cheap after your last I message anyone out of the blue" comment... I need to go wash myself and perhaps eat a gallon of ice cream...”
Her: “Get back on the track now, regarding the photo of you, I want an AUTHENTIC one please.”
Me: “So which photo would you like? Me with an entourage of beautiful women in tiny clothing. Or the dorky version of me?”
Her: “Dorky.”
Me: “Sweet, I got a lot of those laying around here… hold on, slow pc.”
Her: “You look like my professor who is also Chinese and surnamed ‘Chen’.”
Me: “Sweet. Hope you will put my photo into good use. Don’t paste it in truck stops' men's room with 'for a good time...' there is already enough of that around...”
Her: “My professor who is surnamed 'Chen' is missing a few fingers, just thought you’d like to know.”
Me: “That happens when you need to dig deep in the nasal cavities for the few 'gold nuggets’, I personally still have all my ten fingers. I have always used the 'projectile' method. You know, blocking one nose hole, take a deep breath, and force all the pressure to come through the remaining open one... KAPAW!!! Projectile comes out like RPG off an Afghani’s shoulder launcher.”
Her: “Here is my webpage http://www.carbonpictures.com/kat if there is not enough for you to see, then you can visit my 'somewhat tongue in cheek' webpage, which is located at http://www.carbonpictures.com/kat/index2.html I think."
Me: “What is your name?”
Her: “Kat.”
Me: “Kat of what?”
Her: “Florida, Katharine.”
Me: “That is a nice name.”
Her: “Thanks! Do you like my web pages!?”
Me: “Well tell you the truth I have not seen them yet.”
Her: “You best look at 'em, you haven't LIVED.”
Me: “Are you going to do the z-formation snaps at me if I don't? 'you best to see it, sistah' *snap snap snap* I like carbonpictures.com, it has a nice layout.”
Her: “That is awesome but you are supposed to be focusing on /kat.”
Me: “Your page is fine too, but I was hoping for some tittas, isn't that what internet is really for? Great big tittas!”
Her: “Haha naw, my page is TONGUE IN CHEEK but not really. I mean every word about Turks joining the NBA; I give a hoot about sports. Plus I need to repose for the night soon!”
Me: “Don't worry the tongue-in-cheek thing, you will eventually graduate into 'something else' in the cheeks.”
Her: “FOREIGNERS LIKE YAO MING!!!! Do you know him?”
Me: “Of course, Yao Ming and I hang out all the time.”
Her: “He is nothing but a freak of nature.”
Me: “We cruise the Austin on the weekends to pick up some local ho's, yo. I am telling you, Texas, ain't nothing but steers and queers...”
Her: “Now Latrell Sprewell, there's a real man…”
Me: “Who?”
Her: “He plays for the t'wolves. Sorry if I bored the Christ out of you with all this basketball talk well I got to go to bed I have class tomorrow.”
Me: “Aright, peace out, biatch.”
Her: “Please don’t call me biatch. Tootles.”
Me: “That is not what MTV and David Chappelle said.”